When I was younger, I loathed making mistakes.  I always wanted to do everything perfectly, and fretted over the possibility of making what I would have called a “stupid” mistake on anything from school work, to sports, to social interactions.  It took me many years to come to terms with the fact that no matter how much I paid attention to details, no matter how hard I tried, mistakes are a part of life, and they’re bound to happen at some point.  It took me even longer to realize that mistakes are tremendous learning opportunities.  That’s not to say that I now fully embrace making mistakes to the point of being sloppy, but when I make a mistake, I don’t get worked up about it; instead, I try to find the learning in the error.

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Before I arrived on the scene (I’m the youngest of five), my parents had an ironclad rule: Saturday mornings were chore time. My brothers were all given assignments. When they finished a chore, they called for inspection and, when they passed, got a new job to complete. Sound fair?

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Energy: Parenting requires tons of it. Sometimes, our children seem to have more than we do. Being out of energy means being out of patience, whether we are 4 or 40 years old.

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When it comes to discipline, treating each child the same simply isn’t fair! Think for example about the difference in how time outs affect children who are more extraverted (are energized by interacting and engaging in activities) and more introverted (are energized by solitude and reflection). Send an Introvert to his or her room and the silent reaction might be Yes! I get to avoid everyone and all that noise! In contrast, ten minutes alone for an Extravert can seem torturous!

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Who doesn’t like being rewarded for their hard work?  From stickers on exemplary school papers to receiving money for good grades, that little extra incentive not only makes the work all worth it, but also motivates children and builds their self-esteem through positive reinforcement, right?   Unfortunately, this methodology may be wrong.  According to the blog post “Are Parents & Teachers Raising Teenagers to be Approval Junkies?” author Kelly Pfeiffer states that using methods like token economies and reward systems that became popular in the 1970s actually create teenagers and young adults who do not feel confident and secure, as intended, but rather who are approval junkies.  Pfeiffer refers to a couple of books to reinforce this stance.  In one example, Punished by Rewards (Houghton Mifflin, 1993) by Alfie Kohn, the author reviews many studies that showed using methods like reward systems and even verbal praise does not ensure a child continues to behave in the same manner in the long run.  Instead, these children’s self-esteem becomes based not on their own internal self-evaluation, but rather on the judgment of others.  Pfeiffer also refers to findings by a team at the University of Ohio and published online in the Journal of Personality.  In their studies, researchers found that the most desirable craving for young adults from the choices of sex, a favorite food, seeing a best friend, drinking alcohol, or getting a paycheck was one of those that gave a boost to the student’s self-image.  These studies suggest that approval can be addicting, just like drugs and alcohol.

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Eye-rolling. Arms crossing in a huff. Foot tapping. Impatient words such as, “You never listen to me/you don’t understand me!” If you have a teenager, chances are you’ve experienced one of these reactions as you tried to correct a behavior or reinforce a rule. Not fun. Not productive.

Read more on Discipline Differences: Drawing the Line Without Battles…